lockeD

savannah & i deal with things very differently. she gets serious. i get restless. she wants to sit. i want to run. she wants to rest and contemplate the meaning of the plays we are studying. i want a stage and rip these plays apart.

we suffer from a deadlock & we need to solve it. it is like half of each of us it not alive. there is no smoothness & there is nothing to slide on. there is nothing that is flowing. and since savannah is the only human being close to me i depend on her. i depend on her to make me flow. we are dependent on each other and we need to find this place in between - this channel that flows and connects us.

introspection

We dedided to stop.

We chose the wrong strategy. We did something we deep down don't believe in.

We started chasing for something. We forced ourselves into something. And the more we were running and running and running and looking and trying to find - the more we lost ourselves. Maybe we were running away from something. Maybe we were running away from what happened when we left, so we never had to look back.

Savannah & I don't talk about the trail of destruction we left behind.

We had to be radical. It is hard to leave a world where you don't fit in, but have been cemented into by people who have no concept of what our real world looks like.

Going away was not hard for us. Not at all. Burning all the bridges we never agreed to and that people had started building on our territory was liberating and exhilarating to us. Savannah and I had to use OUR energy to undo things that people had built around us with THEIR energy.

So what we did was to demolish all the alien, lifeless and inhibiting constructions that were in our way. We both knew since we read our first play that one day we will need to find the space where our laws are not only valid on paper, but also in reality.

So now we have found this space. We are able to concentrate undisturbed on our destination. We have brought all the roleplays we need. But we are still looking for harmony.

moving in circles

Since days and days we are looking for the right rehearsing spot.

Whenever I think we have reached the right piece of land, Savannah feels it is wrong and whenever she suggests something I miss this specific intuition of this-is-IT.

With this-is-IT I expect a feeling that completely strikes into you. Like that flash second of clarity when you meet the guy who has been waiting out there for you to find him ... (although probably he hasn’t been waiting. It is probably more a matter of BUMPING into each other than it is a matter of “waiting” and “running around like a crazy chicken trying to find”.)

It just happens in a completely unspectacular manner, but when it is there – as unspectacular as the situation is per se – you know it. And if you really look into it, it is quite spectacular, because: how often does this happen in life..?! Finding the right moment, the right spot, the right thought, the right expression, the right friend, the right role that you are supposed to play in this specific bracket of time..?

Savannah and I have not had this this-is-IT-moment since days and days.

And until we get there we will continue running in circles.