lightness

Savannah & I have made ourselves at home here at this decaying house in the middle of nowhere. We are working hard. Fooling around. Feeling light. We have found structure and we have found rest from being restless, we have become productive.

Things are going well, but there is this odd void. There is this void from not knowing what is going to be next.

This void, we fill it. We fill it with the lives of Antigone and Miss Julie, with Emilia Galotti, Bernarda Alba's daughters and Blanche du Bois. With props, make-up, dresses, dialogues and fake emotions.

And in the evenings when we sit down for a moment and look at the stars and the silence around us gets a little too loud we start talking about Antigone and Miss Julie, about Emilia and Blanche and Bernarda Alba´s daughters - as if we could fill this void with colour.

my sister

My sister is softhearted, her world a wad of cotton, her perception fractured through an unfocused lens - like wearing grandma`s glasses and seeing nothing but milky intangible contours. Sometimes it is hard for me to find my way through the ambiguous layers she is made of.

Savannah consists of soft sheets. Me of a solid core.

looking down that valley (II)

so now that we have removed ourselves from all what happened and taken off the weights that were attached to our wrists & ankles and pulling us down into dirty shallows and keeping us away from where we were supposed to be,

and now that we have cleared ourselves from all that mud, and now that our minds are clear and our spirits (and our ability to see) and our surrounding and even our hearts, we can see where we want to go. our vision is clear and so is our energy.

This morning I woke up & I knew what I wanted to say & I knew what I wanted to rehearse and what I wanted to achieve, and Savannah knew too, and things worked out so perfectly - because we both knew.

there is a path (I)

the - at times - seemingly impossible happened! after a phase of abstraction and wanting to find the starting point while not knowing where to begin and not knowing how to build a frame we suddenly found our stage. we have made a halt. we have started to rehearse. and we are making progress. we ARE making progress!

new shores**

when we left the place that was enforced to us as home (although in fact it never was home, and the more i look at it from the outside the more i realize the immensity of this lie and absurdy), we knew we wanted to be out there all by ourselves. we didnt want to do what society expected from us. we wanted to find out the truth. we wanted to pursue our dreams and live in the different worlds of our books that feel more real to us than anything else, more substantial, ever-changing in their meaning and unrestricted in the possibilities they offer.

now we are going to move to a place where we can unpack our bags, (yet are able to pack them back up again), start the work and perfection our skills.

what are we going to do after that? i don`t know yet. maybe we can leave this place. maybe we can go to a place far away, a place where no one has expectations of us that we don`t want to fulfill. maybe we can get onto a ship or a train. i have never seen a ship or a train come past here, but maybe one day it will.

breaking the cocoon

We lived this place out. We sucked whatever life it had to offer out of it & now we need to move on.

We also soaked up the freedom it had to offer and now that we are full with it, we can walk away with it to any place.

I believe that as soon as something has lost its life and has turned into something dead you need to leave it behind. Thats why we had to leave our village and all empty aspirations behind. What is the point of learning a common craft? Or opening a shop? Or building a house? What happens after you have achieved that? You start fading. You have reached what there was to reach and the dying process kicks in.

Savannah thinks about this just as I do. I know she does although we did not speak much in the last weeks.

Maybe spending time here was not about making steps forward, reaching something, becoming better at something, perfectioning our roles.

Maybe spending this time here was about genuinely making ourselves free, so we can pursue our dreams completely focused, pure and cleansed. Cleansed not only from the outside, but also from the inside.

At the moment, I think, we are both more at harmony with ourselves. And we are more in harmony with each other.

But now we need to go for our goal.

lockeD

savannah & i deal with things very differently. she gets serious. i get restless. she wants to sit. i want to run. she wants to rest and contemplate the meaning of the plays we are studying. i want a stage and rip these plays apart.

we suffer from a deadlock & we need to solve it. it is like half of each of us it not alive. there is no smoothness & there is nothing to slide on. there is nothing that is flowing. and since savannah is the only human being close to me i depend on her. i depend on her to make me flow. we are dependent on each other and we need to find this place in between - this channel that flows and connects us.

introspection

We dedided to stop.

We chose the wrong strategy. We did something we deep down don't believe in.

We started chasing for something. We forced ourselves into something. And the more we were running and running and running and looking and trying to find - the more we lost ourselves. Maybe we were running away from something. Maybe we were running away from what happened when we left, so we never had to look back.

Savannah & I don't talk about the trail of destruction we left behind.

We had to be radical. It is hard to leave a world where you don't fit in, but have been cemented into by people who have no concept of what our real world looks like.

Going away was not hard for us. Not at all. Burning all the bridges we never agreed to and that people had started building on our territory was liberating and exhilarating to us. Savannah and I had to use OUR energy to undo things that people had built around us with THEIR energy.

So what we did was to demolish all the alien, lifeless and inhibiting constructions that were in our way. We both knew since we read our first play that one day we will need to find the space where our laws are not only valid on paper, but also in reality.

So now we have found this space. We are able to concentrate undisturbed on our destination. We have brought all the roleplays we need. But we are still looking for harmony.

moving in circles

Since days and days we are looking for the right rehearsing spot.

Whenever I think we have reached the right piece of land, Savannah feels it is wrong and whenever she suggests something I miss this specific intuition of this-is-IT.

With this-is-IT I expect a feeling that completely strikes into you. Like that flash second of clarity when you meet the guy who has been waiting out there for you to find him ... (although probably he hasn’t been waiting. It is probably more a matter of BUMPING into each other than it is a matter of “waiting” and “running around like a crazy chicken trying to find”.)

It just happens in a completely unspectacular manner, but when it is there – as unspectacular as the situation is per se – you know it. And if you really look into it, it is quite spectacular, because: how often does this happen in life..?! Finding the right moment, the right spot, the right thought, the right expression, the right friend, the right role that you are supposed to play in this specific bracket of time..?

Savannah and I have not had this this-is-IT-moment since days and days.

And until we get there we will continue running in circles.

the coup

Yesterday we decided that it is time to go and leave the mundane, the mean and the distracting behind. So now we are in the free open. We are looking for a place where we can shut out the influences of everyday life and concentrate on what really matters.

It is going to be tough out here, but we are going to make it. The most important thing is that we can rehearse our plays. We have a chair, some makeup. Some props and a lot of spirit.

We even have some company and we have the vastness around us, so I personally feel quite rich and optimistic ... which is a good thing if I think that Savannah and I can`t go back.

Something bad happened, that closed this door forever ... but I don't want to think about it now. I might think about it tomorrow, but I am not going to write about it today, because if I would write about it today I would realize that Savannah & I are chained onto each other ... but today is not the day to feel chained.

I like Savannah.

Savannah is my sister and she is very different. We two together are like two very different planets sharing the same canvas. Our thinking and feeling is moving within the same coordinates, yet we are never simultaneously at the same spot .